I’ve definitely had some kind of spiritual awakening within the last year. I wish I could quantify it with data and give you a chart showing a correlation between love and overall happiness but, there’s no magic equation or a way to create this happiness in a laboratory. Overall, awakening has come in spurts, over time, with a lot of work and practice and is this really amazing general feeling of being in control and being happy and clarity. If I could graph it it would be something like this…
I spent a lot of my life in a trance. I always felt there was a void, that no matter what I did or had, I always wanted to more. An insatiable thirst and hunger that could not be quenched. Sound dramatic, well honestly it was. There was a lot of drama that was tied to all of that. Toxic relationships, bingeing and purging, anxiety and depression; just one big pendulum swinging back and forth, over and over and over. There was nothing that could fill the emptiness that I was holding inside…other than fear. I was so afraid to be alone and felt so unworthy of love that I put myself into and stayed in really unhealthy situations for long times. But, they all taught me so much in hindsight but in the moment, there was a lot of pain and disconnection.
What’s love got to do with it? Well Tina, glad you asked. Everything. I’d experienced all kinds of love but just being honest, I’d never loved myself for just me. I really had no idea how to love, what it looked like to me and how take of myself unless it was in some type of self-sacrificing way.
Through a lot of practice and prayer, I’m loving myself as the perfectly imperfect being I am. I’ve forgave myself for any mistakes from the past, started to focus on the present and stopped making life decisions out fear. It’s been great to learn, explore and live in ways I never have before and to live with an open heart. The old saying is true, ‘you cannot give away what you do not have’.
I know so many people who get into relationships out of fear. So many people who settle, who talk themselves into and out of situations and who are out of touch with their spirit, their essence. It’s a lot easier for me to spot toxic situations these days; and harder to withhold judgment and give compassion.
The spiritual awakening that happened in me is the result of self-love and the love and support of others. It’s the result of taking control of my life and not looking for others to solve my problems. It’s being ok saying yes and no only when I mean it and accepting that I am a child of something way bigger than myself. For me it was slowing down, meditating, being in community and believing with my whole heart that no matter what, fear is not going to ever fill my heart again. I am awake.
((hugs))
